I am a motherless daughter. The first time I heard those two words, “motherless daughter”, I cringed. I can remember thinking to myself, “I am NOT motherless. I have a mother; a wonderful one in fact. She’s just dead”. There, I finally said it. My mother is dead. For a long time, I had difficulty with saying that sentence. I would say, “my mother passed away” or “my mother had died”. There was something about the word “dead” that would get caught on the tip of my tongue and not be able to come out. In my eyes, that word was abrasive. It was final. It meant that she was never coming back and I would never see her again.
I am a motherless daughter and my mother is dead. I could have never imagined that at 33 years old I would have to say that sentence. My mother died at the young age of 57. She left this world when I was 31. While growing up, we had a wonderful relationship. She was always there to support what I was doing or to lend an ear to listen to my struggles. Our relationship deepened as I got older. She, without a doubt, became my best friend. As I entered into adulthood, she was the person who I would turn to for advice. I ran all my decisions through her before solidifying them. She was my shoulder to cry on and the person I laughed with the most. I lost all of this on August 6, 2013 when I became motherless. I was alone. I am a motherless daughter, my mother is dead and I am alone. When she died, I never felt more alone in life than I did in that moment. I lost my best friend; I lost my confidant. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I would no longer be able to ask her for advice. I could no longer wrap my arms around her and hear her tell me how much she loved me. Life would go on and the world would continue to turn without her by my side. I thought about the future. She wouldn’t be at my wedding and she would never get the opportunity to hold, meet, and love her grandchildren. I thought her death killed my future. I was a motherless daughter who had nothing to live for. I am a motherless daughter. I think it is understandable why those two words made me cringe when first hearing them. They meant that I was alone and no longer had a mother to experience life with. After time passed on, I began to think about those words differently. In talking with many individuals in the same situation as I, I realized we had a bond with one another. We shared a bond that others were not able to understand. We had similar feelings, similar experiences, and similar fears. We were motherless daughters trying to move forward with our lives without the most important person to us by our sides. We had wonderful mothers once. Mothers that impacted our lives in more ways than one. Mothers whose love lives on within us. We were the daughters of mothers who have died, but we would always have our mothers within our souls and our spirits. And, our mothers would continue to live on through us. We were motherless daughters. I am a motherless daughter and I am finally at peace with those two words. I will never accept that my mother, the beautiful person and soul that she was, was taken from me far too soon. However, the new way in which I perceive those two words allows me to continue to live my life with the strength and courage instilled in me by my mother. I am a motherless daughter.
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Although I was raised Catholic, I would not consider myself a religious person. I’ve experienced a lot of loss in my life, which began at age 12, and since then, I’ve questioned the presence of God. However, as I got older and matured, I have become more spiritual. Even before my mother died, I was always a believer in signs. The first sign I received came right after my uncle passed away when I was 12. He was 42 and developed a rare condition that took him from us suddenly and unexpectedly. I was confused, devastated and felt guilty for not having had the chance to tell him that I loved him and to say goodbye. The night that he died, he came to me when I was sleeping. I can remember it like it was yesterday. He was a white glowing figure. He reached out his arms and took the covers of my blanket and tucked me in. He kissed my forehead and then was gone. I felt a sense of relief; relief that he knew I loved him and relief that I was able to see him one last time. It was then that I realized our loved ones who pass on are still with us. They never truly leave us and if we are open to it, we can receive signs from them (I’ve never told anyone this story before).
I really started noticing the signs after my mother was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer in August of 2012. The summer prior to her diagnosis, I planted annual begonias in my flower box. With every thing going on with my mother’s diagnosis, I did not plant them again. In October of 2012, I was in my backyard and I noticed three of the flowers in my flower box had re-grown. As you know, begonias must be planted ever year and these flowers are spring/summer flowers. I stared at them for a few minutes and thought to myself that this was a sign from my grandmother. There were three flowers (for my grandmother, grandfather, and uncle) who passed away and they were my grandmother’s favorite color. I immediately called my mother to tell her and she came over to my house to see them. I believed that my grandmother was sending us a sign that my mother’s family was still with us and would be looking over us, especially my mother, throughout the next year. Both my mother and I felt a sense of comfort. After my mother passed away August 6th, 2013, I began to see signs from her immediately. The day she died I was sitting outside on the back patio and a monarch butterfly suddenly appeared and it would not leave. The butterfly fluttered around the patio the entire day. I knew it was my mother. From that point on, whenever I see a butterfly, I know it is my mother paying me a visit and reminding me that she is always with me. The most astounding sign came a few weeks after my mother’s death. I was at her best friend Cynthia’s house and we were sitting outside on her deck talking about my mother and how I was coping with losing her. I wasn’t doing well. Truthfully, I wasn’t doing well all year long. Physically and emotionally I had been falling apart and things certainly got worse after she died. Cynthia and I were talking about how my mother was concerned about how I was doing even before she died. She was concerned about all of us, but saw that I was physically struggling. During this conversation, a butterfly appeared and started circling around me. Both Cynthia and I looked at the butterfly and then at one another. She told me that all summer long she had not seen a butterfly while out on the deck. We knew it was mom. As we continued to discuss how I needed to start helping myself, the butterfly continued to circle my head. All of a sudden, the butterfly flew down and smacked me right in the face. Cynthia and I looked at one another in astonishment and started hysterically laughing. That was totally something my mother would have done. It was as if she was telling me to wake up and get myself together. She was knocking some sense into me as she always did. I’ve learned that as long as I am open to seeing them, the signs from my mother will always be there. There have been so many occasions where she has sent signs and, rather then feeling sad when I see them, I feel a sense of comfort now. These signs are a reminder that, although she has physically been taken from this world, she is still here. Her spirit lives on in me and she will forever be a part of my life. I look forward to the signs she sends and the messages that she is trying to convey to me. When I see these signs, particularly the butterflies, I always say, “Hi Mom” and I smile. I smile because I know she is always around and will never truly leave me. It feels like just yesterday I stood up here giving my mother’s eulogy. And, the reality that my sister and I are here once again, almost four years later is unfathomable. The thought of never being able to embrace either of my parents again, to hear their voices, or to have them guide me in some type of decision I need to make is heart breaking. What my family has been through the past six years, there is no answer for. But, what I do know is that the loss of my father is devastating because of who my father was as a person and for all that he did for his family and friends.
Getting through the past year has been extremely difficult. Luckily, in a typhoon of disaster, we have had one small miracle, my nephew Ryan, who has brought light into our lives the past few months. I am so thankful my father got to meet him, to hold him, and to love him. And, I know that Ryan was a shining force in my father’s will to live. It is both my parent’s strength and spirit that lives within me that allows me to stand here and speak to you about one of the most important individuals in the world to me. I could stand up here for hours and tell you about how wonderful my father was. But, to only have this short time to explain to you the impact that he has had on my life and the role that he has played not only in my life, but also my sister’s life, is impossible. For all you who knew my father, you know what a wonderful person he was. His smile could light up a room. Without a doubt, I could sit here all day and go on and on about all of the amazing qualities that defined him as a person, as a husband, as a friend to so many and as a father. There were so many. He exemplified all of these qualities throughout his entire life and especially during the past year. I have never witnessed a person fight as hard as my father did to live as he did this last year. I will forever admire that fight and I know that he fought to live because he loved us so much. My father was a teddy bear at heart. I think some of his most exceptional qualities were those that he instilled in both my sister and myself. The courage, the strength, the independence, and the compassion we have within us, is a direct result of our parents. Through everything that he taught us and through the endless love that he showed us, he helped to create the women that stand here before you today. And, I am forever grateful to him for that. Not many people have the kind of father that we did and I couldn’t have asked for a better one. My parents were not only amazing parents, but they had an incredible and beautiful relationship with one another. The only thing that brings me some type of comfort in my father’s death is that he is no longer in pain and is reunited with my mother again. I could not have asked for two better parents and role models in life. One of my favorite quotes that has a lot of meaning for me is that “sometimes the tunnel is as much as a gift as the light at the end of it”. The past few weeks, we were able to say things to our father and he was able to say things to us that others do not have the opportunity to say to their loved ones before they die. That is a gift that many do not get in life and I am forever grateful for that. I think one of the most touching things my father said to us is how much he loves us and proud he is of us as women today. Those words will forever echo in my ears. I’d like to end with a funny story about my father that I often tell people. As you all know, my father was a fun loving man. He loved to have a good time with family and friends with lots of laughs. He was amazing in so many ways, but one of his more quirky characteristics was that he often said some odd things when trying to comfort someone. A few months after my mother passed away, I was having a really bad day. Everything and anything was going wrong that day. In my daily phone conversation with my father, I was telling him how crazy and awful my day was. Many would respond with things such as “I’m so sorry, what can I do to help, it’s going to be okay”, etc. My father said to me, “well, at least it’s not snowing”. Mind you, it was the month of April. On the day of his death it snowed. Hours after he died I looked up into the sky and said to him, God damn it Dad, I can’t even say, “at least it’s not snowing”. He definitely had the last laugh. I want to thank all of our family and friends for all of your support over the last few years and especially this last year. We could not have gotten through my mother’s death and now my father’s death without all of you. I ask you to always cherish the amazing memories that you have with my father. This will allow him to live on through all of us. He has been an angel to many of us on earth and now he will be our angel in heaven, with our mother. And we truly have the two best angels around. I love you daddy and I will carry you in my heart and carry your spirit within me always. Wrap your arms around mommy and give her a kiss for me. I love and miss you both. In Loving Memory Gordon "Sudsy" Sutliff August 26th 1950 - March 10th 2017 |
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